Sunday, June 19, 2011

Futher Evolution

The ten year old version of myself would kick me in the shins.

Lately, I have found myself doing some rather odd things that I have never done before. I am watching far less television by choice. Either I don't want the noise or the mindless lack of interaction, or I want to do something different... like reading... or listening to classical impressionist music... or songwriting... All three examples are tagged in ellipsis for the sake of incredulous emphasis. I have the distinct feeling that this feeling is not shared by those who know me well.

I am not ignorant of the fact that my tastes are widely varying. One moment, it could be Less Than Jake at full volume while driving Highway 17 with the windows down, the next it could be sitting for an hour in luxurious silence on our porch whilst sipping twelve year old Jameson. The thing is that I have noticed a shift further into the latter from the former as of late.

Just this afternoon, I sat and read over 100 pages of Never Have Your Dog Stuffed by Alan Alda. I have a dozen perfectly good episodes of Cheers on our DVR that I have never seen, having just now discovered the show's brilliance. But even this new pleasure has been slid to the side by (admittedly) less stereotypical endeavors than your average 28 year old indulges in.

Part of me wondered if I was feeling low. No, I really am not. I am damn happy. I am just surprised by my own evolution. I wonder what a younger version of me would say. I don't feel like I have "become better" or that the old self was boorish or immature. I was the way someone should be at whatever age I was. This time, I notice the shift much more as I edge closer to thirty than I noticed the changes I made as I got closer to twenty.

I feel that I want to do more with the time I have. There are certainly frivolous moments where I pass the time idly. But now, I really hate when those moments pile up. I clean more, write more, read more, work more, learn more and absorb more. I want every day to have a profound discovery, moment of enlightenment, or feeling of accomplishment. I haven't thought of myself as "lazy" since early in my college years, but now my inner drive has gotten even stronger for some reason. I want every day to be a day where I can say "That was worth it", and I tend to get angry at myself when I don't.

My ten year old self may kick me in the shins, but the me of today will walk away to the calming sounds of Claire De Lune. Peace...